myblog -september '02

(the blog has been censored by the patenral. thats right, my internet connection has been removed, and i am no longer able to communicate with the rest of the world.. i also must now pay for basic transport as he also has taken that away from me. i no longer have anything, and hence have decided that enough is enough, and this is not worth ruining my health over. i am going back to live with my mother and family back in another continent. for the moment there will be no further entries until i actuallz have access back (i am at an internet cafe.. paying an arm and a leg, but it was necessary). so, i am now leaving what i havent been able to call home at last, *clock is ticking* i better leave before this crap runs out. so.. yeah, i'll be out of here before the month is over.. if not earlier.. (theres a bunch of stuff i have to say.. about what has happened, what has been said.. at me.. etc.. but.. yeah.. you know..)
)HOORAY FOR CENSORSHIP!!!!

there are three tear-stains on my desk..

im hungry. im not allowed to eat after (*) is asleep. im not allowed to have food in my room. im hungry. i should eat during the day. i get hungry at night. im hungry. im not allowed to eat after (*) is asleep. im hungry.

how many people actually read this crap? really, who actually reads my lamentable ramblings? half the hits my site receives are to the chickies section.. almost nobody wanders away from there.. hah, and who would want to read all this depressive crap? just get depressive yourselves! and whats the point of feeling bad when things are going well for you? i dont know.. i dont know.. i personally would be angry at someone who has something good going for them and they get depressed reading my crap here.. yes, you may feel sympathy.. but dont get yourself depressed about it.. if anything.. i dont know.. i dont know...

ive felt bad before.. but it was usually just mood-wise.. and it would go away.. but this seems to be permanent.. *sigh* what am i going to do?? (man, this is starting to sound like a song... one of those really depressive ones.. with really bad spelling and even worse grammar..)

i cant believe the weekend is still not over..

i cant believe it.. i feel like crying again.. im soo friggin emotionally damaged.. what the HELL am i going to DO???????????

(i would wonder if i still had one.. but i know for sure, since im so thin i can actually see my heartbeat.. yeah.. on my wrist and stomach/chest as well as other key places on my body..)

i have lost the will to live.. there is soo little going for me.. i dont know.. i'd like to thank everyone who made this possible.. all those people who never took the time to be nice to me, my dad, for all his efforts in killing my spirit, all those people who forgot about me, those people who didnt give me a chance, and all those girls who ignored me cuz im ugly.. *shakes his trophy in the air*
ps, no, im not going to kill myself, that would be retarded.. plus, im not like that.. its just that i have lost interest towards everything right now.. plus, the loneliness is truly killing me... i want things to get better.. but this is truly too much.. i need someone to just love me unconditionally that would make me happy.. that would be the first bucket in the empty well that is my.. uhh.. heart? where is it that your emotions are kept? yeah, heart..

my dad walks into my room today (after having been less than pleasant earlier) and says "i was reading your blog on your site, and it made me very sad.." i was thinking "yeah! at last my dad knows how sad i am, and how bad i feel and stuff.." but, as always, i was wrong.. "..you only write bad stuff about me.. and feel that there is also good stuff to write about too.. and it makes me very sad.. " what could i do?? i had to laugh in pain.. how could my dad be soo.. soo friggin' egocentrical?!?!? its like for an executioner to say to his victim: "you know, this really bothers me..." and the victim being moved by the fact that the executioner has regrets about having to take his life, and then hearing him say ".. you have to stop crying and moaning, its really bothering me.." yeah, thats my dad.. he only thinks of himself.. and only cares about how things affect him. he takes all my rights away, and then protests that im not fulfilling my duties properly!!!!! i mean.. i receive nothing from him.. not love, not affection.. nothing.. i havent even received a present (of any sort) since.. well.. since ive been here.. he doesnt care about my needs.. or desires... he only cares about my duties and obligations.. and next month, when he reads this, he's going to complain about it, and then say (as he has on sooo many occasions) "if you dont like it here, then you can very much leave! if you are so unhappy living with me, then go! leave! go live somewhere else!" the thing is, if i have to leave.. i will not be returning.. and you know.. i dont think he would care either..

Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward toserve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walkinto your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?""Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"