myblog -october '01
-click here to read a short bio of insaner-
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Wednesday, October 31, 2001
[19: 01 :47] #
so, i went out to the city today... holey mackerel... in the sense that a mackerel doesnt normally have holes... but man, seriously.. so i wanted to get back home... and then i see my tram leave... ohh well, i'll catch the next one... so i go into a store to see something before i catch it, and since it comes every 8 minutes, it wouldve been ok... but then the next one just never came!! and when it did, it was just simply sooo full.. i couldnt get in.. and where the baby trolley cart whatevers go, there should have been enough space... except there was this moron who planted his trolley to take up the whole entrance.. and there was this old guy wanting to get in, so i let the old guy in, and then no more space... so i tried to run up to the next door... tough luck, it wouldnt open... and then the tram left... pfff what a sorry event... and then i had to walk it to another stop which was an unnecessary 5 or so minute walk... and guess what... another full tram... but this time there was a nice lady who gave me some space at the door... course, my backpack almost got smashed by the door... but eventually i made it to my stop... but, it was too late to catch the bus that takes me home.. so another unnecessary walk.. and it was already dark... and windy... and thats when it started to rain.... yeh, well, now im home, and at some point ill prolly eat... hopefully..
[4:21: 09 ] #
oooh lots o' long posts... how nice...
today i had a dream relating to planet of the apes... hahah... it was reaaally cool actually... i was (obviously) captain whats-his-name mark wahlberg... and it was all strange... the apes were all after us and they could speak and stuff, but it was like we were followed into this strange cave-like room incrusted with bones and skulls in the surfaces and then this ape (who was with us..) said: "get my skull!! get my skull!!" and i just thought, "how strange... hes still alive and all, and yet his skull is incrusted into the ceiling???" but it was like a strange metallic skull, which would help us against the apes... but for some reason i ended up grabbing like a leg that was still intact and quite strong... and then some apes sorrounded us... so i had to wave my leg threateningly at them and then they said something (which i already forgot.. pfff) and then i like jumped out a small window at the top of the room and like flung right onto the roof..
from the roof i could look out and see a bunch of those filthy apes (hahah.. sorry i couldnt resist) sorrounding the shack (or whatever that place had become as the dream progressed...) but they couldnt quite see me.. so i stole across the corner of the roof to this other part which looked like a chicken coop (is that how its spellt? hehe) and then one of the apes saw me..so i had to get out of there.. stat! so naturally i jumped off the roof with my arms extended (still holding my leg-weapon) and i... well... floated across the field almost right into a whole group of apes... but not quite.. and so i landed and started running like crazy... there was like this old, noble-looking ape at my side... heh.. i dont know, i think he might have said something, but.. you know what happened... s'right, i forgot... plus, thats when the phone rang... and i woke up... its not the first time ive had this dream tho, so i might have spontaneous flashbacks of it and update here... as amof, it just occured to me, what if i set up a section at www.insaner.com where i basically had my dreams there for all to read?? hmm... sounds like a cool idea too...
Monday, October 29, 2001
this is just so crap right here... my dad is being ... well... my dad. i dont know what to do... i dont know what to do...
[21:37: 04 ] #
the calvinball game has officially begun!! i'll post the "rules" up at some point today, but that shouldnt stop anyone from playing... i12p really bad, so ill brb...
yahooo!!!!! calvin ball
is up!!!!! play calvin ball!!!
Sunday, October 28, 2001
so, another day another story, isnt that the way the song goes? what song? who cares?... anyhoo, calvin ball should soon be up, the script is almost done and as soon as it is i'll go and post it, and start the game off myself...
today i cried. i cried at the realization of what my dad thinks of me. all it took was to tell him that i received a possible email virus, and it all turned for the worse. he began with stuff like saying i wasnt open to new things, that i was unforgiving, that i push people away, that i am boring.. no wait, he said that people get bored of me... he said that i lack the ability to be objectively self-analitical, and that my only friend is my computer, and that i dont know of the real world. but dont get me wrong... thats not what made me cry... no no, its that i try to tell him things and he doesnt listen, i would like to tell him sooo many things, stuff that would help him out, but he refuses to listen to anything i say if it conflicts with something he believes in. and the problem is that my dad only believes in what he himself has come up with, he thinks the world is what he says it is, and not how it is. he criticizes sooo many things about me that actually only apply to him. he says "you have to be open to other people's ideas" (which i am) and then he goes and flat out refuses to accept any criticism or conflicting ideas to his that i might have... and if i point this out to him he goes and replies with "yes, obviously, I am the bad guy, because i dont listen and i am dumb. if its soo horrible to live with me and you are suffering sooo much here, then why are you here?" i wish i could tell him "well dad, i am here to change all these things about you that make me sad, i am here to help you, change you and teach you how to be happy." its just basically all about power, its about him proving his power to himself by enforcing it on me... he does stuff like come up with really dumb (and i mean dumb) ideas or opinions on something and insiting on it being right, no matter how many points of argument against it i might show him..
and thats the difference between his way of arguing and mine, he says "it is so" and i say "it is so because..." i give reason to my arguments, he just gives his. and its really hard on me, just seeing my dad flat out denying anything i tell him simply because I told him. you know, to prove to himself that i dont have any power over his opinions and what he thinks... i think he thinks that if he does or believes something i tell him, he will feel that he has lost his authority as a grown up, as a parent... and this is very very unproductive and leads to a LOT of problems... he also likes to believe that the only thing that matters in life is money, its like, anything he does for me is measured in terms of money, and how much money i made him spend... you know, since i have been living with him, he hasnt given me ANY sort of gift? and before you say "ohhh boohoo, poor baby... my dad never gave me anything either!" just know that its not that he doesnt give me stuff, its that he doesnt give me stuff, he does to my siblings though... but its not about what he gives me or not... its not about materialistic goals... it isnt. its about the fact that my dad thinks of me as someone out of his family or something... someone he has to have control over and not to love... i dont care if he never gives me anything.. as a matter of fact, i never ask for anything (if only to prevent me from placing myself in a situation where he will say "no") and yet, when i do, when i ask for something (usually something larger than small but not necessarily big) he responds "well... do you have money?" "no dad, i dont, you never give me money, unless you need me to buy something and then you ask for the change back (or get mad if i dont give it to him) yes, i could get a job, work and have money... but guess what, the day i get a job will be the day my life begins, the day i become independent, and the day i will move out and never come back... i sort of am not looking for that... but apparently many people are... so at the moment, whether i, or they, like it or not, i am dependent on my parents, and that implies a lot of things both ways... the main one, is that they are still my providers, which gives them responsibilities, as well as a sense of authority, which i dont have a problem with, but its when the authority is used simply as a means of power and as its own goal that we have a problem, that I have a problem.
the point where i cried though, was when i had said a few things, receiving the expected replies... but then i told him "just listen to me, analize what i tell you and then decide." and then he said "ok, fine i'm listening. say. say what you want to say. say it." to which i came to the realization that he was just humiliating me. he wasnt going to listen. he wasnt going to analize anything. he was just going to get me to repeat everything i have been telling him for months, and he was going to give me the exact same reception to them that he has been for months. he was simply humiliating me. flat out. and this was very very saddening, that my dad was humiliating me by asking me to tell him what i felt. so i just became silent and it hit me, all the problems and sad events that had happened in the last months hit me all at once, and i had to cry. i didnt weep, my eyes bled tears. and i sat there motionless and my dad at my doorway expecting me to say something, expecting to hear something truly revealing, and yet it wasnt going to come, because it had all been said before, and one more time would be with the purpose of humiliation. and the fact that my own father would inspire such a situation was very saddening...
its just that not being able to tell my dad stuff is sooo frustrating, he sees the evidence that i am right and he refutes it by saying "no it isnt like that, just be open to other people's opinions" agh! seriously, its like showing someone 2 sticks, putting them together and saying "one plus one makes two, see?" and the person saying "no it isnt" and you saying "but it is, look" and them replying "you have to be more open to other people's opinions" which pretty much sums it up righ there.
i was going to tell you how i went to see "the fast and the furious" today, and how much i enjoyed it, but it all just seems to not matter anymore...
you know, my dad is the only person in the world who could make me cry. i mean, my mom could too, but she doesnt.
Saturday, October 27, 2001
went out to a fair thing... pretty cool stuff... then had an argument with my dad, he says i'm always ruining things by being negative.. maybe he really is tired of having me here.. he's never appreciative of the good things i do, but if i dont praise him for buying me something HE offered in the first place, and i mean praise him, because i did thank him, then he goes wild, and anything i say is a negative comment... he gets mad at comments that nobody else would get mad at... and then i tell him that and then he goes and says something like "yes, obviously, because I am the bad guy, and everyone else is better.. because I am the worst..." and stuff like that... one would think he's 10, and not a real adult... serioulsy, how is this productive? how is this any behavior to have with a son? i don't know.. it's like I have to raise him ... and it's really hard, considering i didn't get enough love as i grew up, to have someone who sucks it all right out... truly, truly hard... i wish i had someone to give me the love i need... ohh well, maybe someday, maybe when i'm old... or perhaps, maybe when i deserve it...
so i havent gone to sleep yet... thats right... it has been 38 hours since i last slept... and yet, i feel like i could go for 38 more... but tomorrow i play tennis, cant play tennis on a lack of sleep... nah-ah... speaking of... yesterday was just simply the most bestest tennis match ever... federer vs. roddick it was truly truly a great game... more swissie pride... man, that guy has one solid game
Friday, October 26, 2001
havent... slept... yet.... eyes... glassy.... falling ... asleep... must... do .... laundry...
[3: 05 :39] #
i will be starting a huge game of calvin ball soon... ill be writing up the script soon... PLAY CALVIN BALL!!!!
i went to see the swiss indoors tennis thing today... saw roger federer play versus some other guy (who i forget his name... he's number 17 in the world) and federer won... lots o' swiss pride for us today...
there was also this girl who looked sooo much like the marcia brady from the recent brady movies... hahahah she was the ticket girl letting people in... it was all marcia, marcia, marcia!!
Thursday, October 25, 2001
[0:51: 07 ]
have you ever been just walking along and then you were all like: "where am i?" and then you realized where you were and then you laughed? that might prove to be fun... i'll try it one day, and then document it thoroughly and submit it to the New York Times and perhaps even to Time magazine.... if i did, would people approve of me more? less? or just the same increased by a factor of one and magnitude zero?... all good points to consider....
Wednesday, October 24, 2001
in german, "gift" means poison... moral of the story? dont accept gifts from germans....
[3:16: 07 ] #
“The grass may always be greener, but once you hop the fence, you step in dog crap.”
-monica potter (soon to be added to the chickies section)
its hard to play "propleh" if yer head hurts, which mine did... not that that's my excuse, but it did... and i didn't, so there you have it... so i am starting a new video game project, its a 3d video game, if you want to join then just gimme a holler...
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
well i'm off to play soccer again... i hope this time i have enough blood to run around a bit... cuz last week was just terrible... i've been working on some 3d modelling and stuff, i'll try to get that up on my site... as to the change in format... don't be expecting that too soon, i just found a problem with my hosts that totally ruins the point of the new format... ohh well... we shall see...
Sunday, October 21, 2001
[20:44: 07 ] #
so i just beat half-life, al, you can come by and pick it up any time... you know, when you drop by from the nietherworlds... heheh... now if only i could get it to connect to WON... that would be marvelous...
cookie monster i say!!!!!!!
[1:31: 05 ] #
so i just found out my dad went on a vacation from me... that's very nice to know.
i cant believe how tired i am... i sooo haven't rested this week... i'm all whipped... i am more whipped than something that's really whipped... and that is really whipped... plus the fact that i am tired... have i already mentioned that?
i think if i was a monster, i would be the cookie monster... definately...
Saturday, October 20, 2001
i have now decided to eat today... theres like half a liter of water and half a liter of blood-orange juice... but thats all there is to drink... and i dont feel like leaving my house and getting anything... so i might run into some thirstitude... but i will most perhapsly eat something... i'm actually salivating at the thought... mmmm... foood... i might start with a chocletcheep cooky and then eat me some pastas (cold obviously, cuz i'm too lazy to heat them up, plus i dont want to wash plates...) and then ill have a cup or so of something to drink, and then my medsinn, and then i will linux till i topple over in my sleep... or more probably just walk over to my bed and decide to sleep... so, until then...
Friday, October 19, 2001
so, as predicted i havent eaten at all... i was going to but then i changed my mind... i didnt want to dirty any plates or anything, and there were no munchies available so i just closed the fridge and continued doing the laundry....
in other news, (as if you were tired of hearing about anthrax...) i got some emails from someone i havent heard from in a long while... so i am happy, i like breaking the spam routine every once in a while...
[2: 01 :43] #
what else did i have eaten today of? hmmm... lets see... nothing? yes, that is correct, in the sense that all i have eaten today, and probably all i will eat as well, is that one choclet cheep cooky. plus i'm really thirsty as well... i havent drunk like anything but a single glass of water.. i'll prolly go an' have me a nice frothy glass o' water right now...
i ate a chocolate chip cookie today... yes i did! no you are lyin'! you are a poopin bull-liar! shaddap! shaddddaaaappp!!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2001
i had sooo many strange dreams today... holy were they strange... most were my dad screwing me over in some way or form, yelling at me or what have you... but the last dream was the coolest.. it was waaaay cool... it was like an episode of "the simpsons" not a real one, like one that my mind created... it dealt with some piece of cake or something, it was marge, lisa and bart... no, no homer... but it was a cool dream... it made up for my current situation... i dont know what im gonna do now... it makes me wanna say filthy words, but i can hold em in...
my dad has kicked me out of the house. in not as many words my dad said: i am not helping, not advancing (who knows in what sense he means... maybe i should go to banking school..), and that my presence here is of not much good (one would think a parent would appreciate his own son's presence)... i asked him "so are you kicking me out?" "well, that's a possible solution" i have been voted off the island. i am the weakest link. goodbye.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
hmmm, so apparently my host was down last night for a while... i wonder...anyhoo, expect the overhaul any day now...
ohh man, i was playing soccer (indoor soccer) and since i have been in a general lack of excercise, i pulled my inner right thigh muscle... is that my groin? i hope not. in any case, tomorrow i go see a movie with my sister missionary friends.. that'll be cool, plus, i've been promised treats... if there arent any, i'm out. heheh and also a girl i know will be on tv tomorrow, she will be teaching all of us how to play tennis... i hope i learn... cuz saturday i was just tiger woods'ing the poor yellow sherical objects....
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
[0:31: 00 ] #
expect a complete overhaul for www.insaner.com.... im getting tired of this popup crap, and i have to make it look nice with a banner, which would require a complete overhaul plus... i cant get the stupid menu to work as it should... ugh... triple ugh... ohh and... ugh...
ok, so i want to declare that i like the song "starlight" by supermen lovers... because its cool, and the video rulez too...
Monday, October 15, 2001
yey! so i got my stupid winblows up... as you see... it was some stupid entry in one of the starup files that should not have been there which was making the whole stupid system reset instead of loading... but, now i fixed it and i can move on to more important things in life...
so i was able to do all that stuff at my cousinses'esss... now they've got a really nice 3 computer network with a shared ADSL connection AND the mac can share it too... i didnt set up file sharing between the winblows and the mac... but i suppose i could also get that to work, maybe samba or something... but they dont really need that yet, plus they have to figure out the whole wireless thing now...
Sunday, October 14, 2001
i just saw "the score"... dont go see it. yes, ed norton ruled, but it still doesnt make up for the crap of a movie that it was... too slow, too little action (none actually, but the part where they blow open a safe was pretty coo') and i guess its this director's first movie or something because he completely forgot about the importance of background music and simply omitted it... truly boring effect... ugh!
anyhoo, so tomorrow its quite an active day, i set out to fix another victim of microsucks winblows... and then i am to set it up with another computer (which i also fixed.. something truly nasty... but i got it in about an hour) in a network and make them share a DSL connection, thing is, i dont know much about DSL, so we'll see.. and did i mention i also have to hook it up to a mac? did i also leave out the fact that the mac is in another part of the house, so it will have to be a wireless network? as far as i know, winblows doesnt talk mac, so i think i'll go samba or something... anyhoo, i'll post the results.. ps, if anyone needs some sort of computer type help, dont hestitate to ask.. that includes what little i know about linux too...
Friday, October 12, 2001
oops, ill fix the link to exploding dog as soon as i get my compoopoo working.. its www.explodingdog.com -note from insaner: i fixed the link already-
[21: 00 :15] #
well kiddies... not too surprizingly, winblows is screwed again... i cant get it to boot like a normal person, i must do all sorts of insanity just
to get it to boot into safe mode... i think its the FAT partitions... so no more dessert for winblows... stupid POC... so i am now entering this post through the miracle of sharing, ie, i am using my pappy's compoopoo... ahh microsucks winblows, what SHALL we do with thee?
in other news... i just came back from an unexpected vacation, thats right, my cousins said: "hey, you wanna go to a farm with us?" how could i resist? so i went and it was just too much fun... there was some other stuff i was going to post on tuesday as well, but, as i said, microsucks winblows... so as soon as i remember i'll post... ohh and i am also starting a personalized t-shirt
thing... if you want a tshirt with a simple
design, then get me a t-shirt (or i can also get it, just, you know, i'm not rich) and i will place whatever you want on it, from a "ww.insaner.com" logo, to a stick figure (sort of like the ones at exploding dog
except they are my own original drawings... dont worry, i'm not into rip offs or
ripping off) playing tennis or basically anything you want.. i'll post some samples or something up here somewhere at some time (i like being precise)
Monday, October 8, 2001
one more quote: (this one's mine as well)
i prefer honesty to kindness any day
i like the word poop. i do. why? well, for soo many reasons.. its short. its a childish word. it forces you to make a funny face when you say it. it ends a sentence... you know, all the usual reasons why one likes words...
so the reason why i havent posted in so long is cuz.. well... there have been troubles at home, which have kept me away from my compoopoo... so i havent been able to update... also, i cut my hair last week.. and when i say i cut my hair, i mean I cut my hair.. as in, i cut my own hair... not a lot, just like an inch or two, but i like it... it doesnt look as toasted as it used to.. plus it looks waaay stylish, i have golden ends (hahahah) and the rest of my hair is really dark brown.... it looks cool...
Saturday, October 6, 2001
[4: 05 :17]
today was an interesting
day, had another argument with my dad... he decided that "racism" means
something bad, and i said, "no, its just that it has a bad connotation
, it actually just means, to make a statement relative to a race" to which he responded something along the lines of "i have lived for 40 years, I
know what racism is" i said, "dad, its from the dictionary
" to which he said: "ok, let me see it.." so i went to get it and... whaddaya know....
racism: discrimination or prejudice because of race
then i showed him:
discriminate: be, make, see, a difference between
clearly beat, he then proceeded to say something like that the dictionary was wrong... ahhh my dad... what shall i do?
you can't show someone they're wrong if they don't believe the truth
am i right?
Friday, October 5, 2001
this is a joke i just read, and thought, "this is the joke of all times" (no pun intended)...
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the much betterprogrammer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to holda contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before theircomputers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of codestreaming up the screen.Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightningstrikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that thecontest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all whenthe power went out." "Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better." Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vividdisplay, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."
[4:25: 00 ] #
i had dinner (mmmm it was just soo dlishas!) at my cousinses house... we had a bunch of fun... we could even hold it in our hands!! but seriously folks..(lool!) anyhoo, its kinda late, and im kinda tired... i was messing with my linux installation trying to set up a DHCP server... i think i'm missing some files tho... argh! anyhoo, tamarrah's my cleanliness day... so i'll prolly have to get up all early and do the laundrie... =~s/ie/y/gi... yes... i agree... anyhoo, we have a guest coming over for dinner.. man, has life been getting busy on me all of a sudden... i guess its my front door... its too enticing.... heheh... ahhh life is pleasant when you have friends.. isn't it...
Thursday, October 4, 2001
[1: 04 :47]
there has not been much to write about these last (3?) days... la lala la life goes on... i did, though, want to post a few quotes:
"perfection is a liability" -my dad
"..if you know who you are, thanks!" -some guy on BeBits
Monday, October 1, 2001
today i woke up early, and considering i went to sleep like at 5am... thats shocking! then i went to the Tibet exhibition again cuz my pappy wanted to go and check it out more in-depthly... the mandala is going to last just a few more days before they throw it in the Rhine... its pretty cool too...
man was it hot in there... really strange weather we are having here... it was winter just a week ago... and now its SUMMER again??? sanga manganga!!
and tamarrah i have a big day!! i have been invited over for dinner!! it promises to be a very cool night... i'll keep you posted...
-click here to read a short bio of insaner-
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